Are you there god? It’s us, Keri and Kristabel.

Well, god, we hear tomorrow’s the big day.   Don’t worry…we completely understand that taking those who use the phrase “Sweet Chocolate Jesus” so liberally probably isn’t appropriate.   We know we’ll be left here on earth to carry on our debauchery with the rest of the sinners, and to tell you the truth, god, we’re okay with that.  We just have one little request.  We know you’re taking the Christians, but can’t you take some of the rest of them too?

We’ve made a list of other people and things besides the freaks speaking in tongues who we’d like to see airlifted off the planet.  We hope you’ll consider taking them along for the ride.

1.  Stoners.  Not all of them, of course.  Just the ones who sit around for days on end saying things like, “Dude….the universe is just so…..big…..it’s just so……so……what was I saying?”  Those stoners.  Please take them.  They may be harmless, but they’re irritating as shit.

2.  Sarah Palin.  Although she’s probably already going.  Just making sure.

3.  Those people in Winco who refuse to put their shopping cart the right way so that other people can get around them.  There’s a picture at every checkout sign.  Taking them will save their dumb asses from being rammed by our carts, god.

4.  Hairless dogs and cats.  We don’t know why.  They just freak us out.

5. Goth kids who wear fake vampire teeth.

6. Arnold Schwarzenegger’s testicles.  Yep.  Just the bag.

7.  And speaking of bags, the whole tea party.

8.  Most of our exes.  Some we’d like to keep around to have someone to make fun of.

9.  Brides.  Again, not all of them; just the obnoxious ones.  There’s a big difference between showing a little wedding stress and “I asked for PERIWINKLE and you gave me LIGHT BLUE!  My great big special day is RUINED!”

10.  Guys who espouse feminism just to get laid. 

11.  Old ladies who play Second Life just so they can hit on young guys they’d never have a chance with in real life.  The xanax cousins can hold a grudge, god.  That bitch is lucky she hasn’t found a horse head in her bed.

12. People who overshare on Facebook.  Bodily functions, bad poetry over cheating lovers, minute details of your mediocre meals.  We don’t want to hear about them anymore.

Thanks a lot for considering our request, god.  We’ll tell the anti-christ that you say hello.

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22 responses to “Are you there god? It’s us, Keri and Kristabel.

  1. Are we still here? Guess God didn’t hear anyone.

    Don’t know for sure since I haven’t looked outside. If God had taken “Guys who espouse feminism just to get laid” there wouldn’t be any men left . . .

      • Well, my wife certainly disagrees with you. Frankly, I don’t care what or who you agree with. What you think or think you believe certainly does not change the facts. When you find a “man” let me know, then we’ll see who’s sexist.

        • Joe…people might want to interact with you – maybe even comment on your blog now and then, even when they disagree with you, if only you’d try to make a little bit of sense and not be such an asshole.

          • I was checking my comments and came across this little jewel. I’m reminded of something simple (uncomplicated) people used to say to one another when confronted by someone like you. “People that live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.” And “it takes one to know one.” By the way, nothing I write about requires any “agreement” nor any “disagreement.” As far as your capability or inability to understand what I say, that’s certainly your problem and has absolutely nothing to do with me. Besides, you can always ask a question. But then that would require recognition and acceptance, which apparently is beyond your capability – so you throw stones.

  2. Where’s the “Like” button? This was a good read to go with my mediocre deep-fried halibut with tartar and Sriracha. Keep up the good work, Lady. 8>}

  3. Well, the day came and went. Those stoners are still here. I think Winco is infested with those Wrong Way Cartsters and I believe Sarah Palin is about to say something stupid.
    Life goes on as usual.

  4. I was one of the raptured. Here on Earth is better. After seeing how dull and boring heaven is I was allowed to come back home. I’ll never complain about the Earth again. Earthy is great!

  5. I would like to second the “TMI” people on facebook. I also suggest rapturing up the people who overuse the “that’s what she said” joke.

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