Well, god, we hear tomorrow’s the big day. Don’t worry…we completely understand that taking those who use the phrase “Sweet Chocolate Jesus” so liberally probably isn’t appropriate. We know we’ll be left here on earth to carry on our debauchery with the rest of the sinners, and to tell you the truth, god, we’re okay with that. We just have one little request. We know you’re taking the Christians, but can’t you take some of the rest of them too?
We’ve made a list of other people and things besides the freaks speaking in tongues who we’d like to see airlifted off the planet. We hope you’ll consider taking them along for the ride.
1. Stoners. Not all of them, of course. Just the ones who sit around for days on end saying things like, “Dude….the universe is just so…..big…..it’s just so……so……what was I saying?” Those stoners. Please take them. They may be harmless, but they’re irritating as shit.
2. Sarah Palin. Although she’s probably already going. Just making sure.
3. Those people in Winco who refuse to put their shopping cart the right way so that other people can get around them. There’s a picture at every checkout sign. Taking them will save their dumb asses from being rammed by our carts, god.
4. Hairless dogs and cats. We don’t know why. They just freak us out.
5. Goth kids who wear fake vampire teeth.
6. Arnold Schwarzenegger’s testicles. Yep. Just the bag.
7. And speaking of bags, the whole tea party.
8. Most of our exes. Some we’d like to keep around to have someone to make fun of.
9. Brides. Again, not all of them; just the obnoxious ones. There’s a big difference between showing a little wedding stress and “I asked for PERIWINKLE and you gave me LIGHT BLUE! My great big special day is RUINED!”
10. Guys who espouse feminism just to get laid.
11. Old ladies who play Second Life just so they can hit on young guys they’d never have a chance with in real life. The xanax cousins can hold a grudge, god. That bitch is lucky she hasn’t found a horse head in her bed.
12. People who overshare on Facebook. Bodily functions, bad poetry over cheating lovers, minute details of your mediocre meals. We don’t want to hear about them anymore.
Thanks a lot for considering our request, god. We’ll tell the anti-christ that you say hello.