Dear Straight Men of Humboldt County,

Dear Straight Men of Humboldt County,

My beautiful, brilliant and witty friend Bumblebee has been searching for one of you.  She wants a friend, a lover, a companion for Arts Alive, a partner in eating, drinking and general merriment.  It’s really not such a tall order.  And so she’s been looking where just about every person does these days: the internet.

I’ve been a voyeur in her trip through the straight man landscape of Humboldt for awhile now, and I just have one observation:  It ain’t pretty.

So I thought I’d give you a few helpful hints that might assist you in getting to meet my sweet Bumblebee, or anyone else for that matter.

  • When creating a profile on a site for meeting others, please try to spell a few things correctly.  Sound friendly and somewhat sane.  Don’t mention how pathetically lonely you are and how you’re recovering from a terrible breakup.  Don’t talk about your mom.  Leave out your medical problems.
  • If you’re married and looking for a little action on the side, although Bumblebee is not interested, there are people who are fine with that.  Please be honest.  Telling someone you’re single, don’t have a phone, and can only meet them during the day is not going to get you anywhere but blocked and deleted.
  • During your first instant messenger conversation, do not use a background of pink roses and/or purple hearts and/or swooning birds.  It does not make you look romantic.  It makes you look like a twelve year old girl.
  • After your first instant messenger conversation, do not send an email the next morning explaining that God spoke to you in the night and told you that you’d found your one true love.
  • When talking on the phone for the first time with a woman you’ve met on the internet, don’t make “jokes” about drowning her, kidnapping her or stalking her.  I seriously can’t believe I have to tell you this.
  • Do not send photos of your naked nether regions.  While you may want to show off the monstrosity of your manhood (or your delusions of grandeur,) women really don’t want to see it – yet.  Smile – yes.  Penis – no.  Say it with me.

For those of you who might be doubting the necessity of my tips, here’s a little illustration straight from the Men Seeking Women ads on craigslist.

For fuck’s sake, sir, what is wrong with you?

Helpfully yours,

Kristabel, the girl who may throw herself off a bridge if she ever has to date again

P.S.  Bumblebee has a date tonight. Hopefully I won’t have to write more helpful hints tomorrow.

13 responses to “Dear Straight Men of Humboldt County,

  1. OMG! Remind to tell you a funny okcupid story the next I see you.
    It’s a scary world out there – singledom that is.
    Good luck Bumblebee!

  2. So I’ve heard, Mr. Dodge. Sorry…

    Thanks Heraldo! If only there were more like you…

    Randy – I know, right?!

    Sarahfae – can’t wait to hear! Sorry I didn’t make it over. I lost control of my day. I’ll be by tomorrow.


  3. Oh my god this is hilarious!! (not the plight of your Bumblebee, of course, but the always amazing way in which you share your experiences with us). I was laughing out loud. Oh and thank you for making me appreciate how great my husband is…

  4. “I seriously can’t believe I have to tell you this.”

    I can’t either, but I’ll take your word for it. I wish your friend luck.

  5. LOL!! I hate to tell you this, but I think The Redneck could have put this ad up and I would have answered it.
    Yeah. It’s okay. These guys just don’t look great on Craigslist. They’re a lot of fun to be married to though.

  6. Oh Yeah! I started to read then paused, because I knew this post was deserving of a cocktail, so back at the computer, cocktail in hand, I giggled my way through your advice.
    I also have a single friend, and I have enjoyed (well that might not be the right word) the wonders of internet soul mate searching with her.
    At first I thought every dating website should post your advice, but then if they did the freaks may be harder to spot…
    Then I went to the ad-
    Wow, his truth in advertising methodology caused alcoholic beverage concoction to exit my cranium via my sinus cavities.
    May he find the yin to his yang.

  7. Sohumborn…..ha ha ha ha…..perfect.

    Jen….really? I mean…really? Hunters/meat eaters, etc. are one thing, but this guy just sounds…psychotic. xo

  8. Okay, so ladies

    Totally unnecessary to order up a gang of food and drinks, invite your date back for a smoke/drink at your place, let them pay the entire bill, and then make up an excuse for why they’ll have to take a raincheck. No (sane) man is going to keep trying with a fraudster.

    If you are going to send a picture message to a blind date, it should not be one of you in your high school yearbook, before your gave birth to your fifth bey-bey kid, prior to when you started smoking bogeys, drinking, eating fried chicken as a hobby… or any picture before whatever it is happened that made you look like you do now.

    If you have sex with some dude you barely know and he doesn’t call you back until two days later, don’t blame him. That is because some other crazy chick tortured him with the phone after sex once upon a time. Try being nice to the dummy.

    If you are a tall girl and on the first date end up doing Argentine Tango, Lambada, Daggering, get obscenely brushed accidentally, or nudged a bit little too much on your booty, don’t think it will necessarily continue or that it was even sexual. That was just to make sure that you are not a transvestite.

    Regardless of your intentions, men may think you are a gold digger if your first date is at an Indian casino, a 4 star restaurant, a fancy bar and grill, or any other place they associate with spending money. Take that date to the 24 hour breakfast spot even if it seems cheap. Even rich men are cheap bastards before they get laid.

    If you still have romantic stories in your head about your jailbird/deployed jarhead ex-boyfriend, please tell your date. This will let a man know up front to stay far, far away from your crazy ass.

    Keep in mind that any dude who has the ducats to buy his way into one of those paid internet dating deals is probably not going to hit you up for money to buy crank with. The same cannot be said about craigslist.

    If you are tired of chancing it with random internet dudes, try talking to men who obviously have it together. The grocery store is a good spot as you can clearly see what their tastes are without any surprises. The library/bookstore is another winner as you can see what it is they are interested in. Take a night class in something you are interested in, there is likely a heterosexual in there somewhere. If you are really only interested in hopeless men who will gain weight, obsess over dreams they are incapable of obtaining, and generally go nowhere in their profession, by all means hit up the barflies… they are always good for a quickie and for sure they are buying drinks.

    And good luck to all the Gen Y dudes and divorced Gen Xers and Boomers out there tryna hook up. Wish I had had the internets back in the day, you bastards.

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