Dear Straight Men of Humboldt County,
My beautiful, brilliant and witty friend Bumblebee has been searching for one of you. She wants a friend, a lover, a companion for Arts Alive, a partner in eating, drinking and general merriment. It’s really not such a tall order. And so she’s been looking where just about every person does these days: the internet.
I’ve been a voyeur in her trip through the straight man landscape of Humboldt for awhile now, and I just have one observation: It ain’t pretty.
So I thought I’d give you a few helpful hints that might assist you in getting to meet my sweet Bumblebee, or anyone else for that matter.
- When creating a profile on a site for meeting others, please try to spell a few things correctly. Sound friendly and somewhat sane. Don’t mention how pathetically lonely you are and how you’re recovering from a terrible breakup. Don’t talk about your mom. Leave out your medical problems.
- If you’re married and looking for a little action on the side, although Bumblebee is not interested, there are people who are fine with that. Please be honest. Telling someone you’re single, don’t have a phone, and can only meet them during the day is not going to get you anywhere but blocked and deleted.
- During your first instant messenger conversation, do not use a background of pink roses and/or purple hearts and/or swooning birds. It does not make you look romantic. It makes you look like a twelve year old girl.
- After your first instant messenger conversation, do not send an email the next morning explaining that God spoke to you in the night and told you that you’d found your one true love.
- When talking on the phone for the first time with a woman you’ve met on the internet, don’t make “jokes” about drowning her, kidnapping her or stalking her. I seriously can’t believe I have to tell you this.
- Do not send photos of your naked nether regions. While you may want to show off the monstrosity of your manhood (or your delusions of grandeur,) women really don’t want to see it – yet. Smile – yes. Penis – no. Say it with me.
For those of you who might be doubting the necessity of my tips, here’s a little illustration straight from the Men Seeking Women ads on craigslist.
For fuck’s sake, sir, what is wrong with you?
Kristabel, the girl who may throw herself off a bridge if she ever has to date again
P.S. Bumblebee has a date tonight. Hopefully I won’t have to write more helpful hints tomorrow.