Champipple Therapy

My friend Renee is a licensed therapist. She spends her days listening to all kinds of people and helping them to fix their lives. She is also one of the most practical, down-to-earth and calm people I know. Nothing seems to faze her. If there’s ever a gigantic code red disaster near me, I hope Renee’s there too. All of these qualities make her really good at listening to her friends and giving them helpful advice.

A couple of days ago she and I were talking on the phone. I was rambling on about an influx from out-of-town family members this week and all of my concerns and anxieties revolving around the visits. The feelings of inadequacy. The apprehension about past transgressions. The embarrassment of now being twice divorced. Renee listened patiently to my stream of pure melodramatic angst, and then she gave her best therapeutic advice.

“Oh, just drink a lot. It’s not like they’ll think any less of you.”

Genius. My worries dissolved, I decided to start right then. This recipe is brought to you thanks to Renee and her very wise counsel.

I give you: Champipple.

Champipple was a drink favored by Fred Sanford from the t.v. show Sanford and Son. He loved to mix his Ripple, which is super cheap fortified wine like Thunderbird, with various other drinks. Mix it with Cream Soda? You get Cripple. Mix it with Beaujolais? You get Beaujolipple. My favorite combination is a classy little number of Ripple mixed with Champagne, also known as Champipple.

These days I don’t use Ripple anymore. That’s just oh so there’s-nothing-to-do-in-Fortuna-when-you’re-a-teenager-so-let’s-go-get-drunk-at-the-cemetery-and-make-out-with-boys-in-black-eyeliner, and I’m over those days. Mostly.

So instead I use a cheap red wine, usually leftover from a few nights ago and forgotten on the counter, and an even cheaper champagne.

First pour the champagne into a great big goblet, and then pour the wine on top. I like to use about 7/8 champagne and 1/8 red wine because I really just want a blush of color and a hint of merlot flavor. Big Hands prefers more of a half-and-half mixture because he’s sophisticated that way.

Toast, sip, gulp. Gulp. Gulp. Repeat.

Proceed to making prank phone calls (Don’t forget to hit *67 to block your number from caller i.d. first. It’s not the 80’s anymore, damn it.), doing the Thriller dance and making out at the cemetery of your choice. I highly recommend the one on Rohnerville Road.



11 responses to “Champipple Therapy

  1. Dang! I frequented that cemetery in the '80's also. We kept the drinking to straight champagne though, although peach schnapps mixed with lemonade was a favorite too. That's the cemetery where I did the Huggles man also!! Aww, the memories. I'm still waiting to hear about Hyampom. ;)

  2. I loved to frequent the cemetaries, too, but missed out on the boys with eyeliners, although there was Ralph that wore lots and lots of bracelets and became an opera singer. Love your goblets – pretty!

  3. K-you are awesome…one of the best people I know. You can ramble on to me anytime. Love you lots…
    — your "therapist"

  4. Anonymous….I'm still jealous of that notorious Huggles incident.

    Carol…I think boys with bracelets count…especially those that grew up to be opera singers. I only have one of those goblets left. An unfortunate side effect of too much champipple.

  5. Thanks, my sweet therapist. I hope we can both ramble to each other soon in person.

    My friend Chris left a comment on Facebook that said "Old Friends and Cheap Booze" should be the new theme for the marquee at the Gilded Rose instead of "We Cheat Tourists and Drunks." Love it.

  6. I'm hoping to finally finsih moving this weekend… I think a Champipple will be the perfedt weekend topper. Thanx for the recipe.

  7. I'm happy to see that this blog has been drinking.
    Once we're all sufficiently drunk, I'll post my poem about Champipple.

  8. Random Humboldt Co stranger clicking by. Um…best cocktail ever? I love it. And I love that there is actually a drink out there that I can theme to Sanford and Son. I'm thinking Sanford and Son on a laptop while ignoring my houseguests, mug in hand. Man, I had family in town this weekend and everything…

    Love your blog!

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