On Sunday while perusing the shelves of Humboldt Healthy Foods, I noticed a stack of Savage Henry magazines sitting beside the counter. I’ve tried to find one before but have always been too late. I figured it must be really great to be snapped up like it is, so I excitedly grabbed one and took it home to read over a lazy rainy afternoon coffee.
I must say, there’s some funny stuff. A little hip, a little edgy – I was thoroughly enjoying myself as I snorted over “What Your College Degree Really Means in the 2010s” and “Places in Arcata That Need a Bar.”
Then I got to the article, “Savage Romance with Dr. Love, ” an advice column for, as SH puts it, the lovelorn, curious or just plain confused. For the record, and for those who are about to say I’m taking the whole thing too seriously, I do realize these letters are fake.
The first letter to Dr. Love is from a woman who goes to HSU, looks like Anna Kournikova, takes a shot of Jager at a party and blacks out. She wakes up the next morning in the room of an Australian exchange student named Josh, sore “down there” and sees a prescription bottle in the garbage with the letters “Rohypn” on it. Dr. Love’s advice:
HOW DARE YOU go digging through someone’s garbage! Don’t you know anything about privacy rights? Furthermore, by snooping through Josh’s PRESCRIPTION medicine, you’ve just set yourself up for a lawsuit, sweetheart.
As for what was written on the label of medicine you pilfered, I’m surprised you’ve actually made it through two years of college. Everybody knows that Australian is a foreign language. “Rohypn” most likely means “take every two hours” in Josh’s native tongue. Here’s hoping Josh has the good sense to steer clear of the likes of you. Ditz.
Funny, right? The next one’s even better.
A man writes to Dr. Love complaining that he has bought his girlfriend a car and paid her rent, but she still won’t let him “enter her back door.” Here’s Dr. Love’s advice:
My advice is to force your way into her back door, but do it gradually. Start with a finger, then your arm, and then finally, after she’s warmed up to the idea, walk right through her cottage’s back door. You’re paying the rent, after all – thus, you, more than anyone, deserve to walk inside her place however you please.
Now, if you’re truly too large to enter her back door, you may need to lubricate. I recommend Crisco.
Sooooo funny! See how they did that….made it seem like maybe Dr. Love’s not even euphemistically talking about rape? Absolutely hysterical. It’s not like this kind of shit doesn’t happen to women (and sometimes men) in real life every minute of every day all over the world.
Yes, for all of you rape apologists, I know, I know. I’m just a big ole ugly feminazi with no sense of humor. It’s funny, dammit. I just don’t get it.
Every once in awhile, I am able to forget that we are part of a society that accepts sexual violence as a norm, but things like this Savage Henry column serve as a sick reminder.
Later in the day, I was checking out Eric Kirk’s blog. He’s had some great discussions lately about the North Coast Journal Human Suspension article. I also read Jen’s thoughtful post on the matter. There’s a lot of talk and concern about this article, more even about the photo that was chosen for the cover. People worry about what to tell their children. How will they explain it? Will it encourage their children to participate in self-destructive behaviors?
I don’t have my own children, but I like other peoples’ a lot. I thought about Mark’s niece, who will be fifteen soon. Since both the Journal and Savage Henry are free and available for just about anyone to pick up, I wonder if she’s seen either one. I thought for awhile about what I would ask her and tell her if I ever got the chance to talk to her about them. And I can tell you one thing:
I’d rather have to explain to her that although hanging from hooks embedded under your skin from the ceiling may not be the safest idea in the world, the fact remains that a woman’s body is her own and she can do whatever she wants with it, no matter what anyone thinks, than to have to explain to her why rape is so fucking hilarious.